{"id":140,"date":"2020-10-22T17:50:00","date_gmt":"2020-10-22T21:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/?p=140"},"modified":"2023-05-23T17:51:00","modified_gmt":"2023-05-23T21:51:00","slug":"love-nonetheless","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/journal\/2020\/love-nonetheless\/","title":{"rendered":"Love, nonetheless"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Love shows up in the most unexpected places. Suffocating, oppressive, it was love nonetheless.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I received the proof copy of my book I ordered from Amazon KDP yesterday. As soon as the email of the delivery receipt entered my inbox, I grabbed my mask and keys, and went down to collect it. I was excited. I had been looking forward to it since I made the order a week ago. Things have not gone well with the printer I had engaged so taking this plunge to do up my entire book again single-handedly with Amazon is both exhilarating and daunting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opening the parcel and pouring the contents out, my heart was racing. To feel my efforts actualized into a physical form is a foreign experience for me. I\u2019ve created designs before in my previous job, but nothing feels close to this. Just the night before, I had a nightmare of my book turning out to be a disaster, goes to show where my anxiety levels are with this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There, the light turquoise cover with spatters of bright orangey-red. Yes, the orangey-red was the right tone! Hmm.. but the turquoise seems dull. It\u2019s still not matching the color I had picked. I\u2019ve got to change that. <\/em>But it felt good in my hands, substantial. The print quality definitely surpasses the previous printer. There is hope. <\/em>Flipping through the pages, I ran through to see how the interior layout and design turned out. My vision narrowed to the problematic areas that can be improved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wait, I was doing the same thing my parents did to me!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It dawned on me today that in my attempts and hopes to put out a good book, I had not taken a close look at it. I had not paused to admire, or even appreciated my efforts. All I saw was what it could be. All I thought of was how to bring it to its greatest potential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps that was how my parents saw me as a kid. They saw all that I could be and tried their best to shape me to become that version of greatness. Both my parents and I know not about trust. Trust in the goodness of nature. There are two aspects to growing: nature and nurture. As children, we were being shaped and nurtured by our parents and environment. And each child has his or her own nature, which shows up as a disposition or temperament. My parents gave their best to nurture me but they did not trust the goodness in my nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, with my book, I too, tried so hard to craft it, not trusting the basic goodness it holds as one that came from me. The book is after all an extension of myself, one I poured my heart and soul in. Being caught up in shaping it and making it better, I had not been present to that. I picked up the proof copy each time to look for errors and ways to improve it. I was picking on it like how I experienced being \u201cpicked on\u201d as a child. All in the spirit of love. It was suffocating. It was oppressive. I couldn\u2019t be<\/em> myself. But it was nonetheless, love. I was very much loved, and had not felt it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

True love requires presence. Presence to accept and hold that which is before us, as is. Not merely an idea or image of it in our heads. I picked up my book again, putting aside the designs saved in my laptop, the images of the other books on the bookshelves, and the many others in the book stores. I held it as if holding it for the first time, seeing it as a new book I\u2019ve just received.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It looks pretty, I love the cover design. Is that really done by me?<\/em> I turned the pages over, one by one, taking in each page with wonder as they reveal new poems to me. Oh, my heart. <\/em>I\u2019m touched by my own creation. It may be far from perfect, but it is enough. I trust that it will find its way to the right ones, the ones who are seeking like I used to. I trust that it will speak, whisper, to the forgotten souls.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Love shows up in the most unexpected places. Suffocating, oppressive, it was love nonetheless. I received the proof copy of my book I ordered from Amazon KDP yesterday. As soon as the email of the delivery receipt entered my inbox, I grabbed my mask and keys, and went down to collect it. I was excited. …<\/p>\n

Love, nonetheless<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal"],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false,"thumbnail":false,"medium":false,"medium_large":false,"large":false,"1536x1536":false,"2048x2048":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"rosslynchay","author_link":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/author\/rosslynchay_mc3ksf\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Love shows up in the most unexpected places. Suffocating, oppressive, it was love nonetheless. I received the proof copy of my book I ordered from Amazon KDP yesterday. As soon as the email of the delivery receipt entered my inbox, I grabbed my mask and keys, and went down to collect it. I was excited.…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=140"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":141,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/140\/revisions\/141"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=140"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=140"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rosslynchay.me\/fieldnotes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=140"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}