Yes, I’m telling you it’s ok, really. Perfectly alright to say “no” even to the kindest intentions of others. Because what they deem best for you may not always be best for you. It may be the truth in their eyes, but it may not be your truth.
Others are free to express their thoughts and concerns for you but it doesn’t mean you are obliged to take them on. What they are offering are perspectives and possibilities for your consideration, but at the end of the day, you have a say. I repeat, you have a say.
Don’t betray yourself because you feel bad rejecting their kind intentions. Don’t give yourself away out of fear that they may not accept you if you are not following their words. Don’t suppress your truth out of fear of hurting them. Don’t. You have power but you are not so powerful that you can make another feel sad or angry. Only our thoughts can make us feel that way. As you are learning to say “no”, they are also learning to receive.
One can reject suggestions, and still appreciate the goodwill of others. We can hold both at the same time, it’s not one or the other. You can pause to appreciate the relationship you hold with the other; the care and love the other has for you to be invested to want the best for you. You can choose to place your attention on the love you’ve received and express your gratitude. You don’t have to oblige to show you’re grateful.
While those around you are invested in you, will you be invested in yourself too?
If you pause a moment to ask yourself and listen, towards which direction is your heart pulling you? Perhaps it’s not clear initially, especially if you have not been giving your heart the attention it deserves.
Slowly.
Once it’s aware you are listening, it will show you the way. Also, when you slow down and pause to check-in with yourself, you can better detect any dissonance indicating you may not have been true to yourself. It may arise as a gnawing feeling, as though something is eating you up from the inside. It may leave traces of sadness or resentment, or even helplessness. Whenever you go along with something that doesn’t sit completely right with you, you will feel as though you have lost a tiny bit of yourself. And I’m telling you, all these tiny bits add up. Over time, you condition yourself to mute your voice and give your power away; you condition yourself to believe those things don’t matter.
But those things matter. Your truth matters.
Because you matter.
And if you also care for the others, be fair to them. Give them a chance to hear you speak, to know you better.
So, my invitation to you, my dear, will you be courageous and show up, one step at a time?
Here’s a small exercise for you.
Part I:
Recall an event when you went along with someone’s suggestion/idea without acknowledging or revealing your true thoughts.
- Write down in your journal, in as much detail as possible, your thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arose from that event.
- Re-read your journal and consider one small action you could have done differently.
- After that, consolidate your learnings by writing it in the format below:
“I appreciate how you care for me when you ______________________, and this is how I truly think/feel about this issue, ___________________________________.”
Part II:
Ready to push it further?
Try saying what you’ve written out loud. Have a conversation with a loved one or friend and express your truth to him/her.