Letter to Self

What we need, we can learn to give it to ourselves.

An inquiry this morning brought me on a journey through the lush field of envy down into the blues, emerging hot with anger before settling into my being with strength and energy pulsing through my arms.

I visited my past and lent my little one my voice to express what she could not back then. All she ever wanted was for my parents to see her.

Stop looking at others, and stop telling me how good they are. Stop. Look at me and tell me how good I am. Help me see my merits and gifts. Tell me I am good and I deserve a place in this world. Tell me, show me, I am precious, no matter how old I am, what form I take. Tell me that despite life being tough, it is worth living. Tell me the whole story, not just half. Don’t be stingy with kindness, thinking it will fuel my complacency. I lack confidence even to begin. I don’t need you to tell the world about me, I need you to tell me about me, not just my bad, but my good as well. I need to know this world is safe for me, and I don’t have to be anyone else other than me.

My Little One

I feel my repressed angst and am reminded of the many occasions I looked elsewhere wishing I did not have to be here to be me. What I craved were the words of affirmation from my parents. They tried their best, they gave me all they could on their worst days and best days. And I needed more than they could provide. So here, I do the work needed to relay to myself the messages I needed to hear.

My Dearest,

Maybe you know, maybe you don’t
but I am still here to tell you,
there’s a place for you in this world—
right here, this spot where you are sitting, in this very body.
Here is where you are, living your dreams, breathing writing.
This is all that matters, this is life.
You are precious. Irreplaceable.
There can never be another you.
I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself.
I know it’s rough outside and I know you can see it through.
I have seen your strength and resilience. And I know
what a courageous soul you are.
Go, pursue what your heart desires.
You have all it takes, and you are worth the fight.
Know that I will be here to catch you when you fall,
I will hold you tight and close until you are ready to try again.

Loving you. Always.

We are responsible for our own healing. When we heal, our healing ripples through the world.

What are the messages you wish you were told when you were young? Will you be the one to say them to yourself?

I write to inquire into my life and to share my learnings from my sojourn on Earth. These essays are my labor of love and also my livelihood. If you wish to support this labor from this labor, please consider aiding its sustenance with a donation. Your support keeps me going.

Donate via PayPal or Venmo @RosslynChay or BuyMeACoffee